The Zen Of Rage

The King Is Dead

2008-03-05T20:49:57Z

Long live the King.

For those that haven't heard (which should be none of you) Gary Gygax kicked it yesterday. At the grand age of seventy, the creator of everyone's favorite RPG is dead. I'm torn on how to feel about this. On the one hand, he is no longer constrained by mere mortality. While alive, the man was great, but now that he's dead, he has become a legend, and so long as gaming lives in our culture, he will go on as one of geek-dom's greatest gods. On the other hand, he's dead.

This would probably be easier if I believed in an afterlife.

Stealing this from The Kaiser, because class is boring

2008-02-07T20:40:57Z

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
Kind of.

2) What was your dream growing up?
Having my school taken over by a fanatical blood-sacrifice cult and then stalking through the hallways hunting them and rescuing my slightly-less-evil classmates with an inexplicably acquired shotgun

3) What talent do you wish you had?
The ability to slice large, solid things in half with the not-sharp side of a broken rusty sword. Kind of like in that one Gundam cartoon, only I'd have a cooler cloak

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
I'd ask for rum, you'd probably get me lemonade

5) Favourite vegetable?
POH-TAY-TOE!

6) What was the last book you read?
Earth Abides, because books about the end of mankind are awesome. The last book I finished was Snowcrash, which is fucking amazing.

7) What zodiac sign are you?
Falcon. Bonus talent for the win.

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
Not YET. I want one of those implanted fiber-optic tattoos, so I could program it to look like a constantly growing plant. I'd have it on my arms at first, but it may eventually grow to encompass my whole body (pun intended)

9) Worst Habit?
I can't keep my witty comments to myself. This normally isn't bad, but it hurts when I'm in class and have a good joke.

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
Hell no. I look like I'm either crazy or dangerous, and once I start talking to you it won't change your mind

11) What is your favorite sport?
Gladiatorial fights to the death.

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
I'm very optimistic. I just plan for the worst possible situation. It's not my fault the worst usually happens.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
Look at you like I'm hungry, lick my lips, and make vague comments about how I hope they find us before I have to eat again.

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Horse bit my hand. Nearly had to have it removed.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
I still have a lot of my old stuffed animals because I feel guilty getting rid of them.

16) Do you have any pets?
There are two cats that live in my garage, and I sometimes feed. Used to have a dog, but she died.

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
You'd be embarrassed to have interrupted me doing something illicit. That wouldn't stop me inviting you to join in, though.

18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)
Since I got this from The Kaiser: I first met you in science class, and I only noticed you because you were reading the Monster Manual II. I thought you were very quiet, more so then me even. Look how that turned out.

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
Clowns are harmless, except that when the zombie apocalypse comes they'll turn into dangerous opponents.

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
I'd like to be taller. As long as I have no muscle, I may as well be 6'6'' to go with it.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
Partner in crime. I would, of course, stop you from killing innocents or robbing poor people, but aside from that I'd go all out with the crime thing.

22) What colour eyes do you have?
Brown, until I get my contacts.

23) Ever been arrested?
Not YET.

24) Bottle or can soda?
Soda is bad.

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
Move out, buy a better computer, maybe start a business.

27) What's your favourite place to hang at?
Sharies. Because it's the ONLY place we really 'hang out'

28) Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes. I also believe in vampires, werewolves (See also, Vatican Guards), and other dangerous things that we should be prepared to fight at a moments notice.

29) Favourite thing to do in your spare time?
Eat. And game. At the same time.

30) Do you swear a lot?
I do, but I'm trying to stop. It doesn't sound good.

31) Biggest pet peeve?
People who don't talk at all.

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
"Awesome"

33) Do you believe in/appreciate romance?
Yup.

34) If you could live anywhere in the world where would you choose?
The Redmond Barrens.

35) Do you believe in God?
No, I don't think so. I believe in faith, but I don't thing capital-G God is real.

Brown Noise; Show 9

2008-01-26T18:19:39Z

THIS WEEK ON THE SHOW:

THE TECHNOLOGICAL SINGULARITY
ROBOTS ARE GOING TO KILL US
CLONED FOOD AND HOW IT WILL KILL YOU
MAN GOES ON CHAINSAW RAMPAGE

TUNE INTO BROWNNOISE.JBLS.ORG:8000 FOR FURTHER DETAILS

Of bad anime and good dogs;

2008-01-16T02:34:10Z

Let me start off by saying that the title defines TWO topics for today, not one topic involving both Japanamation (yes I said it) and dogs.

The bad anime was recommended to me by a friend online, it's called Rental Magika. In theory, the story sounds amazing. It's about a company of mages in a modern world that sell their services to deal with supernatural problems. Mercenary Mages. How cool is that? Well let me tell you, it's not very cool at all. The characters are all pussies, except for the summoner-type dude who looks a hell of a lot like that one evil lieutenant from Bleach. The fox-looking bastard. You know who it is. The scenarios are laughable, and there are some things so ridiculous that it transcends the realm of accidentaly funny and goes straight to 'why am I watching this?' The Celtic witch, for example, who rides around on a rocket propelled broomstick. I'm fairly certain that we could do a better job then this, people.

As for the good dogs, (or rather, good dog) I was walking downtown today, and a blind girl almost stepped out in front of a truck. You know those new trucks UPS is using, that use less fuel and have quieter engines? Yeah, that truck. Well, a dog across the street (not her guide dog, for she didn't have one) ran to the street and started furiously barking at the girl. She stopped and backed up, just in time to not get turned into road pizza. The dog the sat down and waited on the other side of the street for her to get across before going back to his master. Now, as far as pets go, I prefer cats, but sometimes dogs get the job done when no one else is around, and that's something they need an award for.

Hooray dogs, you're better then anime.

Shadowrun, and good movies to watch while writing it

2007-12-25T11:48:10Z

To start with, I saw a short Shadowrun film by a French gamer. Actually, it was a trailer for a short film that is about Shadowrun LARPer's that go way too far, but that's another story. The main point is that I thought it might be nifty, and more feasible then my other projects, to make a Shadowrun film of my own, although in the actual Shadowrun world and not in the real world with crazy people. To this end, I've been writing out possible story permutations, characters, villains, and ideas on special effects execution. I've been watching movies while I do it, and I've got to say that there are some good ones, and some less good ones to get you in the mood for writing stories of betrayal, plot twists, and awesome violence.

The worse ones:
I Am Legend. Despite starring Will Smith with guns and zombies, this move has a hell of a lot of talking. It is also straightforward, predictable, and generally NOTHING like what I'm trying to write.
30 Days of Night. Oh, gods, this movie was terrible. Sure, it had some nifty special effects, like a guy going into a person shredder, but the story and acting was boring. Also, it was set in snow. I don't like snow, as a setting.
Land of The Dead. If your seeing a theme here... well, let's just say that if it involves zombies or stupid vampires, it's probably going to be uninspired and have a maximum of one plot twist. Probably that vampires are real or something boring like that.

The Better Ones:
War. Okay, a lot of people say a lot of bad things about this movie, but I loved it. It has messy, gritty plot twists, violence in great gushing bursts, sword fights, chase scenes, setups, betrayals, back-alley deals, the whole shebang. Fuck, if it had trolls and brain implants, it WOULD be a Shadowrun movie. The cars were certainly fancy enough.
Serenity. This whole movie is about a group of self-serving people who are only working together for the money finding something important to fight for and killing a whole lot of people on the way there. Well, maybe not a whole lot, but they don't take any shit. It could be said they kill exactly the right amount of people.
Patrolling. Okay, this isn't really a movie. It's more of a modern-day survival guide internet TV show. But watching it gives me all sorts of good plot point ideas.

That's my thing for now. If anyone is interested in helping me with throwing together a movie, let me know. I'm actually doing it this time. I swear.

arguslowell @ 2007-11-11T17:14:00

2007-11-12T01:18:02Z

I got a free couch.

I'm fairly certain there's no catch.

After all, they must sterilize things pretty well in the radiology department down at the hospital.

Optimism says I'm not going to catch any deadly disease from this couch.

arguslowell @ 2007-09-26T00:42:00

2007-09-26T07:49:25Z

Courtesy of TIM

1. Do you have a tattoo? Not yet
2. How old are you? 19
3. Are you single or taken? In between
4. Eat with your hands or utensils? Are combat knives utensils?
5. Do you dream at night? Only in short, lucid, bursts
6. Ever seen a corpse? The guy deserved it, I swear.
7. George Strait or Jay Z? William Shatner
8. How did we meet? The Kaiser had something to do with it
9. What's your philosophy on life and death? Death is like marathon sleeping
10. If you could do anything, and have no one know, what would it be? Kill a hippie
11. Do you trust the police? No
12. Do you like Country music? No
13. What is your fondest memory of me? Harassing the Sherries people at 3 AM
14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? I would be a cat.
15. Would you cheat? I'd do anything if I needed to.
16. What do you wear to sleep? Nothing
17. Have you ever peed in a pool? No
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to? Friend will help you move furniture, real friends will help you move a body.
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? Have really kinky sex.
20. Which do you prefer - short or long hair? Long
21. Do you sing in the shower? Yes
22. What's your favorite color? Silver
23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be? Ghandi. We need him.
24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you? I am somehow friends with The Kaiser. I don't understand how this happened.
25. What was your first impression of me? "Holy crap, please don't eat me."
26. Have you ever done drugs? Not YET.
27. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? Eh.

Prestige Class

2007-06-10T02:24:10Z

KULT Gargoyle:

Requierments:
8 Ranks Gather Information
4 Ranks Computer Use
Must me a member of KULT

Level BAB Ref Will Fort Special
1 +1 +1 +2 +0 Database +2
2 +2 +1 +3 +0 All Knowledge
3 +3 +2 +4 +1 Database +4
4 +4 +3 +5 +1 Gargoyle Awareness
5 +5 +3 +6 +2 Database +6
6 +6 +4 +7 +2 Gargoyle Watch
7 +7 +5 +8 +3 Database +8
8 +8 +5 +9 +3 Sentinel Project
9 +9 +6 +10 +4 Dark Secrets
10 +10 +7 +11 +4 Total Gargoyle Awareness

Database:
When access to a computer is available, the KULT Gargoyle gains a bonus to gather information equal to his database bonus.

All Knowledge:
The KULT Gargoyle gains a +2 bonus to any skill that uses intelligence as a base stat.

Gargoyle Awareness:
When access to a computer is available, the KULT Gargoyle can make a gather information check DC 30 to know anything that happens on any camera or recording device that is online. At level 10, the KULT Gargoyle does not need to be on a computer to use this ability, and the ability becomes supernatural.

Gargoyle Watch:
At level 6, the KULT Gargoyle can make a gather information check DC 40 to know anything that any other KULT Gargoyle knows as long as the other KULT Gargoyle is online. This is a supernatural ability.

Sentinel Project:
At level 8, the KULT Gargoyle can access the Sentinel Project and create new Sentinels. All Sentinels are constantly broadcasting audio and visual of everything around them. Anyone with access to the Sentinel Project can access the feed from any Sentinel anywhere in the world. The cost to create a new Sentinel is $8,000 and requires a willing participant.

Dark Secrets:
Once a month, the KULT Gargoyle stumbles across a piece of information hidden somewhere on the internet. This piece of information has a practical value of at least $10,000. The specifics of this information are at the DM's descression, and could be anything from the location of a powerful weapon, blueprints for a new piece of technology, or personal details of a powerful person.

arguslowell @ 2007-05-16T02:49:00

2007-05-16T09:50:49Z

This is the original KULT questionnaire that I dug up. Go ahead and fill it out yourself.

Full name: Argus M. Lowell
Favorite Color: Blue
What is your quest: To immortalize myself in the world's memory
Mailing Address: Is not going on the internet
Age: Too old, yet apparently too young
Birthday: April 16th
Rebirth day: May 25th, 2004
Status: Ready
Method of income: Retail work, but I'm open to other options
What do you want to do: Own my own gaming shop
Five songs that represent your personality:
Happy: Weapon of Choice, Fatboy Slim
Angry: This is the New Shit, Marlyn Manson
Sad: Chameleon Boy, Blue October
Neutral: Sam's Town, The Killers
Introspective: Capital G, Nine Inch Nails
Most important possession: I'm not attached to anything I have
One thing I would change about myself: More upper body strength
What do I feel about drugs: They slow me down, I avoid them.
Sexual orientation: Maybe
How do I feel about abortion: We don't really need more people
What is your Religion: I made up my own. Everyone should do the same
What do you think of Capital Punishment: It should replace baseball as a national pastime
Where do I see society in fifty years: Going or gone down in flames
Coolest tech to own: Optic-camo suit
Opinion of Army of Darkness: A good training video
What should we do with JarJar Binks: Switch places with him and any fodder zombie from AoD
Most important quality of friends: Loyalty
How do I feel about people of other colors: They make it harder to match colors when decorating
If I were an animal: I'd be able to justify eating people
Favorite books: The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, The Scar, and Since Socrates
What influenced my childhood most: My 'real' name and a large supply of assholes
Opinions on cannibalism: My corpse really won't care what happens to it
How do I feel about people of different orientation: I don't care about people of similar orientations to begin with
What would put me over the edge: Anyone preaching at me for more then a block
Movie character most like myself: John Preston, Equilibrium

Opinions of my body: Could be better, could be worse
Which is more important, a cyborg or robot form: Cyborg, robots can be hacked
What am I good at: Thinking and plotting
What is my stance on guns: You don't stand on your guns, you hold them
What would you consider doing prision time for: Bringing down a major threat
When would you consider taking someone's life: If they try to hurt someone I care about
How many weapons do you have access to: Three swords, a crossbow, and enough guns to start a militia
How many weapons can you use: One sword at a time, and a pistol or rifle

arguslowell @ 2007-04-25T17:40:00

2007-04-26T00:41:19Z

I tried to sign up for the EVE online 14 day trial. They sent an activation key to my e-mail, and then when I used the key to get an account, they made me verify my e-mail.

I think they could have skipped a step there.

Thoughts...

2007-04-11T09:06:37Z

I heard someone say yesterday that they were playing the Sims, and they bought their Sim a computer so they could play Second Life... how far is this going to go?

If you ever leave your room and all the hallway lights are out, your first thought should not be 'vampires'. Mine was.

The graffiti on our bathroom walls is a higher quality. Most places have pointless, dirty humor. Ours has racial slurs about politicians and swastikas.

Someone told me today that I should record the things I say. I laughed for a while, then pulled out my microphone. They think I'm insane now.

If your car-garbage is ever worth more then your car; you have either a serious problem, an insane insurance premium, or both.

Holy Shit!

2006-12-22T08:02:01Z

You know, I did say this thing was ending. But I decided to put things I write every now and then up. Today, I am taking a page out of the Kaiser's book, and giving you all a nice little D&D prestige class, the Scabmettler.

Scabmettlers build their own armor and weapons from their blood and wounds, either self-inflicted or taken in battle. The immunize themselves to pain very quickly, but start to slow down due to the large number of scars they take on. Scabmettlers often serve as bodyguards or loyal soldiers, acting in units or teams of other Scabmetters and almost never striking out alone. Warriors and monks make good Scabmetters, and while it enhances the combat power of arcane classes, they may find it hard to overcome the intense pain it requires.

Hit Die: d12

Requirements:
Skills: Concentration 8 ranks
Damage Resistance: -/1
Base Attack Bonus: +6
Alignment: Lawful

Class Skills:
Bluff (Cha), Concentration (Con), Diplomacy (Cha), Gather Information (Cha), Heal (Wis), Alchemy (Int), Listen (Wis), Search (Wis), Knowledge (any) (Int), and Spot (Wis)
Skill points per level: 2+Int Modifier

Class Features:
Weapon and Armor Proficiency: A Scabmettler is adapt at using all simple and martial weapons and all armor, as long as it is formed by the Scabmettler.
Form Armor: A Scabmettler gains the ability to form armor from his own blood. This ability is gained and enhanced at 1st, 4th, 6th, and 9th level. At 1st level, the Scabmettler can only form the equivalent of Studded Leather, +3 AC, +5 Max Dex bonus and a 15% arcane spell failure. At 4th level, the ability expands to be able to create chainmail, with +5 AC, +3 Max Dex bonus, and a 30% arcane spell failure. At 6th level, the armor becomes the heaviest possible, equivilant to full plate. +8 AC, +1 Max Dex bonus, and a 35% spell failure chance. At 9th level, the Scabmettler gains the ability to fully enhance their armor with spikes. All spiked armor will allow the Scabmettler to make an extra attack of opportunity for 3d4 piercing damage. They can make this attack of opportunity when normally able, or whenever an enemy's attack misses.
This ability costs two hp worth of blood to form light armor, 5 for medium, 9 for heavy, and an extra 2 for spiked; it lasts for 2d4 rounds +1d4 rounds for each extra point of hp worth of blood expended. No Scabmettler armor causes an armor check penalty, and all armor takes one round to form after the damage required for it is taken.
Form Weapon: Scabmettlers are able to create their own weapons, so they are never caught unarmed. This ability grows at levels 2, 5, and 7. At 2nd level, the Scabmettler picks three melee weapons of three different sizes to be able to form. Unarmed attacks count as a weapon of your size, and you can duel wield blood weapons. A small weapon costs 2 hp of blood to make and can be formed as a free action the same round the damage is taken. A medium weapon takes 5 hp worth of blood, and a full round after the damage is taken. A heavy weapon takes 8 hp worth of blood and two uninterrupted rounds of focus. All weapons last for 2d4 rounds +1d4 rounds for each extra hp of blood expended. At 5th level, the Scabmettler's weapons become sharpened, or weighted for blunt weapons, to enhance their damage. All weapons from this point on can be created with an extra 2 hp worth of blood to give them a +3 enhancement bonus. Finally, at 7th level, the Scabmettler can call their weapon into being with a potent magic upon it. By spending an extra 5 hp worth of blood, they can create their weapon with either acidic-, icy-, flaming-, or thundering burst enhanced upon it. The Scabmettler picks only one enchantment when they attain level 7 and cannot change how they shape their weapons after that.
Damage Resistance: At level 3 and 9, the Scabmettler becomes more and more immune to pain. This damage resistance applies only to self inflicted wounds that are used to create weapons or armor. At level 3, they gain -/2 against their blood working. At level 9 it increases to -/4.
Shape From Wound: At level 8, the Scabmettler can use damage inflicted against them to create their armaments. They can use blood from up to 4 hp of blood from each attack against them to be put into creating any weapons or armor. The Scabmettler must be aware they have been attacked, and cannot be flat footed.
Bloodform: At level 10, the Scabmettler chooses one of the following forms that they will be able to take on at great cost to their own lifeforce. 30 hp worth of blood must be used to create the special form of the Scabmettler.
Scabshield This form turns the Scabmettler into a bulwark of defense. Almost totally covering themselves in their own blood, they become impervious to most lesser attacks and even massive strikes will only faze them slightly. In this form, the Scabmettler gains +14 AC, +6 Constitution, and +2/8 Damage resistance. The Scabmettlers speed drops to 5 ft per round, and they cannot make attacks of opportunity.
Clotrunner In this form the Scabmettler creates light armor and tendrils of blood around their limbs that they control with masterful skill to increase their speed and strength. Clotrunners are able to move with grace, even through the tightest of enemy ranks. While in this form, the Scabmettler gains +2 AC, +8 Dexterity, +4 Strength, their speed increases by 30 ft per round, and they cannot be targeted by attacks of opportunity.
Bloodblade This form makes the Scabmettler into a fearful soldier, covering his arms and weapons in a bright sheen of blood, and giving them enough of the scabbed armor to protect them while they tear through their enemies. While in this form, the Scabmettler gains +4 AC, +6 Strength, they gain the equivalent of the Ambidexterity and Improved Two-Weapon Fighting feats, and they create two of their chosen weapons as +5 weapons with their chosen enchantment.

Base Attack Bonus: +1,+2,+3,+4,+5,+6,+7,+8,+9,+10
Fort Save: +2,+3,+3,+4,+4,+5,+5,+6,+6,+7
Will Save: +0,+1,+1,+2,+2,+3,+3,+4,+4,+5
Reflex Save: +0,+0,+1,+1,+1,+2,+2,+2,+3,+3

Special
1: Form Light Armor
2: Form Chosen Weapons
3: Damage Resistance -/2
4: Form Medium Armor
5: Form Sharpened/Weighted Weapon
6: Form Heavy Armor
7: Form Enchanted Weapon
8: Form From Wound
9: Damage Resistance -/4, Form Spiked Armor
10: Bloodform

And so now do we draw to a close

2006-11-23T18:39:12Z

For some time now, I have been typing away here, finding fault in the smallest and largest of the world's inane actions. But now, I feel it is time to hang up my keyboard and let this logbook die. For I believe it is now unnessicary; overshadowed by something even greater. That's right, internet radio. Just about anyone can write out what they think, but I've always felt writing never really captures the full range of voice, nothing from the inflection to the volume. And I do enjoy talking quite inflicted, and quite loud.

So, this Friday will be the first test run of the new show. Brown Noise: An Internet Threesome. Where, you ask, does the name come from? I'm not saying. The show will be a half hour block of myself and three cohorts talking about whatever the hell interest us, and what we think should chanage in the world. If you want to listen, then there will be a link available here as soon as I find a decent server. If you want to be on the show, you'll have to find me when I'm in town. Cohosts are changeable at a whim.

So, tune in when it's ready, and behold the growning glory that shall be, Brown Noise: An Internet Threesome. You can find some sembiance of updates on thebrownteam.yoll.net, the offical site of the Brown Team.

I love violence;

2006-11-10T10:35:28Z

I love it like MacGyver loves duct tape;

I was raised with violent video games and movies. Doom, Quake, Star Wars, Terminator, all that good old school violent crap. I love shit like that. It makes my heart giddy to watch some fool get his brains exploded. Does this make me a violent person? No! Did it inspire me to learn how to kick someones ass with three different styles of weapons? Yes! But it doesn't mean I go around slicing people up with my sword! I am sick of people blaming their actions on having played too much Halo or watching Sin City one too many times. Every person that does that brings us one step closer to loosing our bloody, hour long gunfights and masterfully choreographed duels to the death.

So what's my point here? Simple. If you kill someone, admit that you did it because they deserved it. Don't blame video games and movies. It's like blaming god for a car accident; it was probably your fault for going a hundred and twenty miles an hour on a residential street.

I hate researchers;

2006-11-07T09:36:08Z

I hate them like Tibetan monks hate fire;

Science is a pretty cool thing. I'm sure we can agree on this. Science brings us new medicine, more fuel efficient vehicles, smaller computers, and phones that can download the daily news from the bottom of the ocean. But research, on the other hand, seems to be falling short. Research is supposed to support and bolster science, but it's efforts recently have been horribly misdirected. Why do I say this? Well, I read the news today and what was one of the headlines I saw? "Research proves seat belts should be on buses!" Apparently, over 17,000 kids are hurt each year on the school bus, and seat belts will fix it all. The reasons for it are pretty crazy to begin with, things like 'if we keep kids in their seats with seatbelts, they won't be able to roughhouse on the bus'. Right. As if the kids that are wrestling on the bus floor are really going to stop that once they have seatbelts. So, a pretty stupid idea all around.

But what really gets me is that research proved this! Why the hell are we doing research on something so trivial as kids getting a few cuts and bruises?! Why not research something useful, like putting colonies on the moon? We could be figuring out how to launch all sorts of things into space very effectively; satellites, ships, observation stations, Rush Limbaugh, anything! But instead, our research goes to counting the kids that get hurt on school buses.

Lets make one thing clear. If a child dies on a school bus, and it wasn't in a major accident, then they fucking deserve to die! That's called natural selection! So, your homework for the day is to do some research. Research something worthwhile; what the best kind of pillow is, the stabilization system for a mech, how many times I can insult Rush Limbaugh before it gets old, anything! Research something even semi-worthwhile to redeem the name of 'research' in the eyes of the public. But whatever you do, don't even think of trying to convince me children need more safety devices.

I hate sandwiches;

2006-11-05T11:00:25Z

I hate them like Rush Limbaugh hates jews;

Food is a good thing, of this I am fairly certain we agree. Sandwiches, being a type of food that combines other, tasty foods, should be equally tasty. This holds true in theory and in practice. However, I recently discovered that not all sandwiches are such, specifically, any sandwich served by a college cafeteria. "Hot roast beef sandwich" the sign reads. Lies. Their roast beef is neither hot, nor actually roast beef. The so-called 'sandwich' is actually a load of this pseudo-meat on a piece of white bread, covered with bad gravy and mashed potatoes. By the time I attempt to partake of this vile concoction, the bread has already dissolved into a puddle of filth, leaving it to fall through my fingers. The sheer flavor of the mix was enough to stun a water buffalo, and the consistency of the potatoes was that of sandpaper. Truly, this was not a sandwich. This was something spawned from the kiddy pool at a public pool.

So, for future reference to all potential sandwich makers, here's some advice. A sandwich has two pieces of bread. Not one, and not four for those who prefer club sandwiches. Just two. A sandwich has one decent layer of meat, or two thin layers of two different meats separated by something else. A sandwich can include cheese, condiments, or vegetables, but they can never encompass the entire sandwich. Meat must be involved.

You see? It's simple. Now, everyone go out and make a real sandwich. Once you do, you will feel much better about your life. Especially if your life is shallow and empty, but even if it's not you'll still have a good sandwich.

I hate labels;

2006-10-31T23:32:57Z

I hate them like deities hate atheism;

I was doing my laundry the other day, which tends to happen when my clothing starts killing flies, when I noticed something. My laundry bag has a label on it; the words 'laundry bag' stitched into the side. 'Wow!' I said to myself. Thank the gods that label is there! Without it, I might not have known to use the bag for laundry. Without that convenient label, I might have been using the bag to become a hobo, cart around presents for children, kidnap babies, or store small dead mammals in! Without that label, I could have had no idea that there was an easy way to move my biologically hazardous clothing around.

And it doesn't just stop there, we have all sorts of stupid labels on things that don't need them at all, and some labels that we shouldn't need but have anyways. We have nutrition labels on everything from bananas to bottled water. We have ratings on violent movies and games. We have warning stickers on science books that say 'caution, book contains theory'. We have political bumper stickers on our cars and campaign buttons on our shirts that display our political party. We have warning stickers on fucking everything; drivers manuals, printers, game consoles, McDonalds menus, blenders, ovens, stoves, microwaves, and just about anything else you can find in a kitchen.

Well, why? Why do we have all these stupid labels? Everyone knows why. It's because if we don't have them, people get sued. Idiots that can't figure out that their arm and their electric mixer don't mix well, who play their XBox for two days without sleeping and die, who think cruise control will let them take a nap in the drivers seat, and people who eat burgers until their ass could swallow a small child. People who will blame anyone else for their problems unless they are legally prevented from doing so by the magic anti-dumbass powers of labels.

Well you know what? I'm tired of this world where people don't trust each other enough to not sue someone for all they're worth over a cup of coffee that's too hot. I'm tired of seeing stupid lawsuits and even stupider reactions from the companies being sued. So here's your assignment for the week: If you see a label of any kind, tear it off! Take that son-of-a-bitch piece of paper or plastic and turn it into fucking confetti! And if you see someone hurt themselves with a product and even hint that they will sue the company that made it, slap the dust off their brain and give them a real problem to deal with. Maybe if we can get enough people to prove that they can be decent people without being bombarded with warnings, we can get the companies to trust us as people again, and get our hot drinks and dangerous toys back.

I hate video game movies;

2006-10-24T17:42:30Z

Hate them like crew members in red hate away missions;

So, in case you hadn't heard, there is a Halo movie in the works. Now, normally this would fill me with a great joy, but instead I am a bit apprehensive. Movies based on video games have been coming out for a while now, and none of them have been really good. They all suffer a few major flaws, such as assuming that the viewers have poured quite a bit of time and soul into the game itself, and by often following a game's storyline instead of writing a new chapter in the saga. Lets take a look at what we've got in the way of gaming movies so far, shall we?

Wing Commander. This was one of the very first gaming films, and it was one of the few that came close to being good. It actually took time to introduce the characters, and gave them real personalities. The technology was not standard sci-fi fare, but was still eye-catching. Also, they didn't just use the game's storyline as a script. However, they made the mistake of including several scenes that made no sense at all if you hadn't played the game, involving some of the sci-fi stuff and the game's politics.

Tomb Raider. Tomb raider was like the second Matrix film. Worth watching once, maybe. It had little to do with the game itself except for the name, but that didn't stop it from being a crappy movie. It was so full of cliche that you almost needed a vaccination shot for it. There were even scenes that left hardcore fans of the game wondering what the hell the point was. They do get points for having the balls to make a sequel, although not many.

Final Fantasy. Another almost-good movie. I've heard people complain because it wasn't based on any of the games. Duh. It's Final fucking Fantasy! It was never meant to have a sequel to a game, so why should a movie be any different? The only problem with this one was the story. I just didn't like it. The whole thing seemed a little off to me. If you though it was good, though, then that's fine.

Mortal Combat. Both of these films get lumped into the 'B' category. It was an American film, trying to copy Japanese kung-fu movie style, based on an American game. And failing, too. Points for a good soundtrack, but I think that the story started falling apart the moment they decided to base it on a simple, button-masher game. Same thing goes for the Street Fighter and Tekken movies too.

BloodRayne. Try this, take a game that is renowned for it's incredible, detailed story and world. Now put it in a movie that's based on action and violence. Yes, it looked good, but again, it tried to copy the story of the game, and forgot that the game had several hours of play that revolved entirely around the story alone.

Doom. No part of any movie, ever, should ever be in first person from the character's perspective! It takes out 80% of the environment around the characters, which is what makes any good film in the first place. That's like wrapping your tongue in plastic before eating a nice, juicy steak. It's just wrong. Never mind the fact that the movie was badly done, and had no constant storyline anyways.

Silent Hill. I really didn't see a relation to the game at all, except the name. As far as the film goes, I just don't appreciate horror that much. Definitely not enough to enjoy this movie.

Resident Evil. Fairly good job following the game, but again, this left out huge chunks of story. The first movie can just be counted as a good zombie film. The second one, though, starts to break down. Sudden genetic enhancements? Conveniently placed camera network? Token black guy surviving? The movie introduces enough holes in the plot to make it look like Swiss Cheese.

Tron. I put this one last, because it was good. Yes, the special effects are a little dated, but I think that only makes it that much more impressive. They had to do everything by hand! That took some serious effort and dedication! And even better, they did it well. The movie is a bit long, but that's okay because the story of the film takes some time in telling. The story itself is original, because they couldn't really pull a story from the game, but it was still marvelously written. This is the first, and last, good game movie ever done.

Now, if you can look at this list, and tell me that we have good odds of getting a decent Halo movie, then would suggest you take your medication and then take a second look. There have been one, maybe two good gaming movies in the past, and unless they make some serious changes to their design strategy, that number is going to stay about the same.

I hate Livejournal;

2006-10-11T13:54:04Z

I hate it like morons hate logic;

This may sound a bit hypocritical, but I'm really starting to hate the entire Livejournal thing. It's not really hypocritical, though, and I shall explain. You see, I was bored yesterday. Really, really bored. So I started browsing through Livejournal. Looking for interesting people and communities that supported rational, humorous thought, and might provide me with some amusement. Oh, such terrible failure. I have found a few things about Livejournal that I wish were false, but unfortunately, shine all too true in the sea of muck that is the internet journal world.

There are over fifty communities claiming to be for 'ranting'. They consist mostly of people posting news articles and mocking the political party in question. About half and half for democrats and republicans. I guess communists are too smart to do shit like this.

There are thirty communities supporting political commentary. These are only marginally better then the above mentioned. The people here make half decent analogies. That is the only improvement.

There are twelve communities that are in favor of inner peace, zen, enlightenment, and similar topics. They are all run by emo kids that found that whining under any other name would get them more attention then cutting themselves. I didn't realize that enlightenment required brain damage.

There are hundreds of communities and people that all think they can write well, and have well formed opinions, and funny quotes. Only two of them do. I am one of them. The other person exists only as a statistical anomaly, because I'm sure that I can't possibly be at the top. That would just ruin my world view.

As a bonus, there are only fifteen communities that offer advice for angsty teens. Probably around ten of them actually have people that know stuff, but can't spell. The rest of them all full of people being snide bastards, and giving advice on how to kill yourself. But their advice always consists of how to cut your wrists, nothing creative. Dull.

I found only one individual worth anything in the whole of the Livejournal world. A man who's project in life is to, once a day, give a random person a flower, and then regale us with a tale of how it happened. It's not dramatic, it's not full of shit. It's just a guy, doing something different, and sharing it. Perhaps the best concept of individuality ever.

On a whole, though, Livejournal has severely disappointed me with the amount of people that cannot spell, cannot use grammar, don't know how to use a comma, don't have a personal opinion beyond a hypertext link, are repetitively uncreative, or are just flat out stupid. I am similarly annoyed with the amount of people that started a journal, then stopped writing in it because it wasn't getting them attention like everyone said it would. Livejournal has become cluttered with useless accounts that never disappear, despite only being updated once, and never being read. It is a shame that such a glorious canvas would become so corrupted by the blight of people that poisoned it so with their petty problems, whiny drama, and poor use of the english language. I know that if we purged the internet of these people that it would be a horrific violation of free speech, but I would at least like to be able to find the people that have something worth saying easier.

In summary, Livejournal is not a bad thing. It is, like a small child, totally neutral. Unfortunately, over the years, it has grown up surrounded by stupidity and vile evil, and so it has grown to be seen as such. If people would simply act more like decent human beings, then perhaps the world of Livejournal could be redeemed. But as it stands now, there is very little standing between the online journal community, and a total plunge into the vile corruption that has touched so much of it already.

I wonder, if people are supposed to be such glorious individuals, why does everyone here have the same problems?

I hate the dark;

2006-10-06T10:59:15Z

Hate it like I hate drinking cleaning fluid;

I went and saw a movie tonight. Yesterday, more accurately, seeing as it's now three AM. The movie was Flyboys, and it was really good. I played a little game during the movie, of trying to decide who would die first. The movie kicked my ass, though; I thought for sure that the token black guy would die after he gave a personal monologue, but no such thing happened.

Getting to the point, I had to bike down to the theater, and subsequently bike back. By the time I left from the movie, it was already dark. Not a problem, until I got totally, unequivocally lost. Fortunately, I had minions to call upon. Minions with maps. They got me back on track, and I headed in the right direction, intent on getting back to the dorms before midnight, and uninjured. Well, I got back at about ten, but part two of the objective failed badly. It seems that along my route, a party was taking place off in the expansive wilderness. A couple of people from said party were heading home, and decided to pick an exit point from said expansive wilderness right in front of me. I didn't really have time to think, or enough space to break, and my options included hitting the people, or hitting an oncoming truck. I just decided, "fuck it, I'm not hitting anyone tonight" and I fell. I fell sideways, and took my bike with me. The people I avoided were grateful, and offered me both booze and food. They did not, regrettably, have either of the things I really wanted, which was a ride back and a large strip of bandage. Too bad.

I made it back, of course, but I'm still injured. I'm blaming this one on the darkness. Because without the darkness, these people would have been spotted earlier, and I could have just stopped entirely. So, darkness, if you're reading this, fuck you. You tore up my leg, you bastard.

Everyone go turn on all your lights.

I hate sex;

2006-10-02T12:22:51Z

Hate it like Steve Erwin hates stingrays;

This is going to be short, because it's very late/early, and I'm very tired. Why am I tired, you ask? Well, I'll tell you! Neither my roommate nor I has slept a wink tonight, due in large part to the people in the dorm room next to use having incredibly loud sex! Even now, at 5:30 in the morning, we can hear them through the oddly thin walls. They have been making love like rabbits on crack since the early night, and it's becoming intolerable. I have to be awake in an hour, and I have gotten no sleep since Saturday. It's not even worth the effort now.

So, I officially declare my standpoint on loud sex to be firmly in the 'nay' category. If you are having loud sex, thinking about having loud sex, or might ever possibly have loud sex, do the world a favor and shoot yourself now.

Fuck. No witty ending.

I hate the Postal Service;

2006-10-02T07:49:30Z

Hate it like the Pope hates speaking clearly;

I ordered some stuff a while back. A couple CD's, and ten old issues of Dragon magazine. I got them for pretty good prices, too, so I was happy. And then begins the wait. Not just a normal wait, but The Wait. That time between ordering something, and actually getting it delivered to you. It's a much different kind of wait then, say, standing in line for a movie. Well, today, one of my purchases got here! Yes sir, I am now the proud owner of... of... something totally different then what I ordered.

In fact, the thing I have received is an old issue of Time Magazine. Torn to shreds by the meticulous toil of the US Postal workers. Now, I've been waiting about nine days now for my stuff to come, which is only slightly longer then normal, but I would prefer that when my package arrives, that it be both A) In good condition, and B) whatever the fuck I ordered to begin with!

It's not just me, either. Every year, %5 of all mail sent through the US Post gets lost, broken, or stolen. That is not a small amount of stuff! That's about one package a year for me, and I suppose the wheel of fate decided on this one. Although I am grateful that they at least got me the correct category of item, rather then, say, a severed limb. But that only happened twice in recorded history, so I suppose that my chances of that aren't too high.

So next time you consider using the good old US Postal Service to deliver something to someone that you actually like, do them a favor and use UPS. They actually know what the hell they're doing, and their drivers actually protect what they deliver. Hopefully, in a few years, the Postal Service with either be bankrupt, or realize what the hell they're doing wrong and fix it; but I've been hoping for that to happen for years now, and they're still moving around.

Maybe we should just resort to organized violence to get our mail.

Your Weekly Zen;

2006-09-26T23:32:21Z

Not quite weekly, but close;

If a pretty picture and a cute saying can motivate you to do better, then you probably have a really easy job. The kind of job robots will be doing soon.

When a game of minesweeper holds philosophical truth and wisdom, then it's time to take your pills.

Standing at ease while wearing a backpack is hard, and causes awkward social situations. Standing at ease while wearing nothing at all is easy, but makes for equally awkward situations.

It has taken me three hours to write this sentence concerning how distracting the Windows Media Player visualizations are. You have three guesses as to why.

The true joy of laziness comes not from having nothing to do, but from having something terribly important to do and ignoring it entirely.

I slept until three PM today. My roommate tells me this is a sign of advanced depression. I maintain that it is a sign of being tired.

Snow is much better to play with then sand. Sand won't melt on you, and isn't nearly as cold, but if you hit someone in the face with a snowball, you don't get charged with assault.

If you ever get addicted to anti-depressants, would it really matter?

I hate Measure 9;

2006-09-25T06:56:43Z

I hate as much as I hate spontaneously combusting;

Time to get a little political. For those of you that haven't read the voters pamphlet for Oregon this year, I'll give you a quick rundown of Measure 9. This oh-so-moral ballot measure would prohibit the teaching in public schools of any material that treats homosexuality or bisexuality in a positive, accepting or tolerable way. That's almost the exact wording of the law, too, so I suppose it would be perfectly fine to tell kindergartners that gay people are spawned from Satan's sphincter. The measure would also withhold state funding from any disobedient school, cutting them off if they even mention homosexuality to their students. So, really stupid law that stupid people are trying to pass. But what really grates on my brain is the justification that is given in favor of the measure passing.

The brilliantly convincing justification includes such gems as "Makes standard accepted good Christian morals into law" and "Sets a basis to teach the proper faith to children". Yeah, I bet that brings in the votes from people with more then half a brain. Even worse is their argument that "Homosexuality is a divisive topic, and not necessary for school teachers to explain to their students for their education." Yeah? Really? Because neither is art, ethics, manners, cultural history, or even literature! You want to take those away too you dark-age fucks?!? Recess isn't necessary to a child's education either, despite the fact that it teaches just as much in the way of social skills and interpersonal interaction as a math class teaches about numbers! Why not just take the Clockwork Orange route, and strap your kids in little boxes with a television that will plug all the knowledge and religious brainwashing they'll ever need right into their brains? Or is your selection of what is and isn't required learning only applicable to things that you decided your god doesn't like?

So, here's my solution to this problem: all of you in the Fred Phelps fan club stop trying to force what you think is morally right on us, and we won't force our morals on you! Woah! Didn't think of that, did ya? You have no right to decide what is, and isn't moral enough to teach in schools, no one does. We teach whatever we can, and let the kids decide for themselves. Despite what you might want to believe, children can be smarter then you give them credit for.

Remember, if you can vote, read what the measure says before you check the box. Don't take what anyone says at face value, you never know who's right and wrong.

I hate trends;

2006-09-23T06:27:44Z

I hate them like France hates deodorant;

More specificaly, I hate trends in the jests we make. Have you ever noticed that there are trends in who we insult, and how? Not so much trends, but specific targets that seem to absorb the brunt of our wit and ridicule? Emo kids, George Bush, France; all of these have been used as target practice for the shotgun of our minds. I'm sure that other groups out there make fun of different things, but it seems that everyone always targets the same thing. Granted, the listed items much deserve our rapier wit upon them, but why can't we get a little creative sometimes? To quote they writer of XKCD, "...emo kids have had it too easy. You know who needs some insulting? Computational linguists!" Why can't we diversify a bit, like that?

We spend our time poking fun at religious nuts like Fred Phelps, when we should be turning upon the people that compete on Iron Chef! Overboard angst filled emo kids can get in line, because it's time to harass some librarians! Forget joking about stupid websites like Something Awful and Portal of Evil, lets get some good jokes going about Google!

There are all sorts of things that we haven't ever tried to get any humor out of. Why not? Just because people like something doesn't mean we can't joke about it, right? Or is it written somewhere that we can only make fun of stupid, useless things? I don't think so. So here's your assignment for the day. Everyone needs to think of something that they've never made fun of before. Be it a group, a person, or just a concept, think of something that you've never heard a joke about. Lot of stuff, huh? All that potential humor, going untapped. Imagine, if we all stopped to make fun of things like traffic signs and waterproof watches more often, the world would be too busy laughing it's collective ass off for us to fight each other.

So, in an effort to end war, I want everyone to start making fun of things that don't make a lick of sense. Have fun!